NERV Wars!
by WixOne
Summary: What would you get...if you merged Celebrity Deathmatch with Eva? This!


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Wix: Whilst I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion, I do own Shinji's power of attorney. BWA HA HA! 

Shinji: Hey…you said we were going for burgers…

****

NERV Wars!

It is 8pm on a bright 'n' breezy Saturday in Tokyo 2. All the members of NERV have been summoned before SEELE, which quite frankly, is a bit of a squeeze.

Ritsuko: Does anyone know why we've been called here? Does the commander know about this? AND WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE NAKED? 

Aoba: Well, you said you liked it last time…

Ritsuko: *blushing*

Keel: Welcome to… THE THRONE OF SOULS!!! MWU HA HA HA!! *thunder*

Kaji: (aside to Misato) What's with that? And the sunglasses? 

Misato: He thinks he's so big, just because he swept the board at the Nervies.

Keel: Now, most of you are wondering why you have been summoned here. And the answer is this. We are going to have the first…NERV WARS! Our Master of Ceremonies, Pen-Pen, will select the combatants from a hat of his choice!

Pen-Pen: Wark.

Shinji: Mr…uh…i mean…Keel…i…why the…um…

Gendo: What my idiot son is trying to say is - what is the purpose of this frivolous enterprise, Keel? Don't we have more…pressing matters to be getting on with?

Keel: You of all people, Gendo, should know that HCPin' ain't easy. So I've decided that NERV should have a little tournament to alleviate stress… and troublesome pilots, perhaps.

Shinji: *gulp*

Keel: Anyway. Each match will have a designated number of participants, who will fight it out until pin fall, submission, or knockout. I'm tempted to let you use the Evangelions, but I really can't afford repairs AND the summerhouse in Venice, so it'll be hand-to-hand. And I referee! Understand?

Crowd: *general murmurings of discontent*

Keel: Either that, or you can go and clean up the Exit Plugs.

Asuka: Don't you mean 'entry plugs', four eyes?

Keel: No. Exit plugs. Where things exit your body. It's in a right state after curry night.

Asuka: Mein Gott! Let's FIGHT!

We cross over live to our backstage reporters Kensuke Aida and Toji Suzahara for information on tonight's bouts.

Kensuke: Awwww man! Welcome to tonight's NERV 'Rumble in the Central Dogma'! Cool cool cool! We've got fighting with the kicking and punching and wow it's totally out of this world! COOL!

Toji: …

Kensuke: And we've just received word - well, wark - from Pen-Pen that the first match scheduled for tonight is... REI Vs ASUKA!

Toji: Rei, how da you feel going into dis match?

Rei: Cliched. But agreeable also. I have been ordered, so I must fight.

Toji: Der you have it - Rei bein' her usual barrel of laughs. So Asuka, what are your thoughts?

Asuka: Finally, some recognition! I'm gonna wipe the floor with WonderGirl! She's always trying to steal MY Unit-02, and I'm not having any of it! I SHALL REIGN SUPREME! Don't try and stop me, fan-boy! *gets Kensuke in headlock*

Kensuke: *dreamily* Mmmmm....

And so to our first bout!

Keel: Now, I want a good clean fight. Don't make me get the hose!

Asuka goes for a fast punch to finish Rei off early, but she's too quick, and dodges it. Rei runs behind Asuka, and grabs her hair and throws her to the floor, where she beats her repeatedly around the face with a thick NERV document!

Misato: Well, that's one off the pile. *click* *glug* ...more funny beer!

Asuka gets back up, and screaming German obscenities all the while, throws Rei into Lilith's cross.

Shinji: *leafing through 'Evangelion for Dummies'* But Rei's a…and if she comes into contact with…she'll...

Rei stands up, moves towards Asuka, and spontaneously bursts into song!

Rei: There was a little Spanish flea...la la la la something something tee he…la la la la la la…

Shinji: …hang on…this is much worse than Contemplation! Aaah!! I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away…oh, screw it.

*runs screaming to the showers*

Keel: I rule this a no-contest! Take this brain-addled pilot away and put her somewhere safe!

NERV personnel restrain Rei and carry her away on a stretcher, still singing and shouting away.

Rei: La la la…I love you, my Shinji-bear! I'm not crazy, just a little outgoing you know! La la la! I had her licked!

Asuka: *fuming* My crowning glory destroyed! I'll see you, Jimmy!

Meanwhile, in the showers, Shinji is met by Kaworu.

Shinji: Eh? You again! But what do you want?

Kaworu: I want to talk to you Shinji. I want to...tell you something. Here. In the shower.

Shinji: Riiiiight.

Kaworu: Isn't this a nice place?

Shinji: It's a shower.

Kaworu: But it's a nice shower. I like showers. Men's showers.

Shinji: …

Kaworu: You are deserving of my empathy, Shinji.

Shinji: I'm not sure I like where this is heading.

Kaworu: I'm saying I love you.

Shinji *drops soap* Uh-oh.

Meanwhile, back at Dogma-side, Kensuke has an exclusive interview with our MC, Pen-Pen!

Kensuke: So, you like fish?

Pen-Pen: Wark.

Kensuke: Really? With a spoon?

Pen-Pen: Wark.

Kensuke: And how does that work? Some kind of trans-dimensional jumping device?

Pen-Pen: ....wark.

Kensuke: I hope you put them back in the hospital afterwards.

Pen-Pen: Wark-wark.

Kensuke: Personal injury lawsuit you say?

Toji: Do I dare interrupt dis engrossing conversation to find out what da next match is?

Pen-Pen: Wark..wark wark wark.

Toji: MISATO Vs KAJI? Now dat's a barn-burner!

Kensuke: So what's your view on this match, Kaji?

Kaji: Well, anything to get my hands on Misato again...

Misato: You dirty pervert! I'll show you... once I finish this beer...*burp*

Keel: I want a good clean fight! And to make it interesting, this will be a beer Vs restraining order match!

Kaji+Misato: Whaaaaat?

Keel: That's right! If Kaji wins, Misato can never drink beer again! But if Misato wins, Kaji must keep 50 feet from Misato - at all times!

Kaji+Misato: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Keel: Oh yes! Now let's get it on!

Misato runs around Kaji, gives him an uppercut under the chin, and distracts Keel with 'Girls of NERV Magazine: The Swimsuit Edition'. She then proceeds to beat Kaji repeatedly with a steel banjo!

Kensuke: Surely that's not allowed!

Toji: If da ref didn't see it it, it didn't happen.

Kensuke: But-

Toji: DIDN'T HAPPEN! Mi-sa-to! Mi-sa-to!

Misato throws the banjo away, and Keel turns back to see an innocent- looking Operations Director and a groaning spy for the Japanese government lolling about on the ground.

Keel: Huh? What did I miss?

Misato puts a foot on Kaji's still groaning body and 1... 2... 3... gets the win! She celebrates with a beer, and wanders off to find... yep, more beer.

Kaji: H-hello? I'm still alive..but very badly beaten... anyone?

Asuka: Mr KAJI! I'll help you!

Kaji: No! Anyone but you! Get back!

Asuka: I'll take great care of you! He he!

Kaji: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

With Dr Ritsuko is Toji for a report on Rei's condition.

Toji: So how's she holding up, Doc?

Ritsuko: I keep telling you, I'm not a doctor of medicine!

Toji: Yeah, but what are her symptoms and dat?

Ritsuko: I don't know! She's moved onto singing show tunes now, which are out of tune and scaring the living daylights out of our security staff.

Rei: Thhhhe sun'll come out... TOMORROW! So ya gotta hang on til, tomorrow!

Ritsuko: We predict it'll get worse before it gets better.

Rei: Oh Toji-kun... come here.....

Toji: Back to you Kensuke! Rei! Put that down! No not my-aah! *bzzt-krak*

Kensuke: ...we seem to have lost that feed. Anyway, on with the show, and due to time constraints and those damn censors, it's our last match! What is it, Pen-Pen?

Pen-Pen: WARK! WARK-WARK!

Kensuke: GENDO Vs SHINJI? Holy Mick Foley! Now joining me while we look for Toji, is Fuyutsuki!

Fuyutsuki: Ikari, do you really think it wise to fight against your son?

Gendo: I have no use for a petulant child. And he never did the washing up!

Shinji: That's a lie!

Kensuke: Why is your hair all wet?

Shinji: I had to run away from Kaworu in the showers again. He won't take no for an answer...

Gendo: Fuyutsuki, didn't you take his access card away?

Fuyutsuki: I thought he was dead!

Gendo: That's no excuse for sloppy work!

Keel: Enough! I want to see some blood! Let's get it on!

Shinji tries to run away, but all the doors have been locked, making this a no-way-out match. He turns to see Gendo cross his hands in front of his mouth to form The Gendo-Pose! Shinji is visibly shaken, but does his best to avoid the heinous laser-beam stare of Gendo!

Kensuke: Now that's a spicy meatball!

Shinji go crazy!

Shinji: MRRRRRAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Shinji rushes Gendo, but bounces back against a forcefield.

Shinji: What the...

Gendo: You fool! You can't get past my AT Field!

Fuyutsuki: I said we should put the money into a Geofront Arts Centre, but no, he needs his own personal defence system...

Shinji whips out a mini prog knife, and hacks his way through Gendo's AT Field! It breaks down into a knock-down drag-out fight on the floor, with punches and kicks everywhere!

Shinji: WHY DID YOU SEND FOR ME?!

Gendo: BECAUSE I NEEDED A CLEANER!

After another furious bout of punches, both are exhausted. They both pull back their arms, and as if in s l o w m o t i o n . . .

Fuyutsuki: K e n s u k e, s t o p m e s s i n g w i t h t h e T i m e M o d i f i e r!

Kensuke: Sorry.

...they both hit each other around the chops, knocking them down with their last punch!

Keel: It's a double KO! A draw!

Fuyutsuki: A draw? 

Kensuke: A draw? 

Akito Tenkawa: A draw?

Everyone: HUH?

Akito Tenkawa: Oops...wrong show. *disappears*

Keel: Yes, a draw!

Kensuke: Okay folks! That's our evening's entertainment over! Say goodnight everybody!

Fuyutsuki: Night all. 

Asuka: *tying up Kaji* Auf wiedersehn! 

Kaji: Help me.... 

Rei: The hiiiiiiilllllllllssss are alive, with the sound of muuuuussssiiiccc! He he he!! 

Toji: N-! Rei! That doesn't go ther- *buzt krackle* 

Misato: B.....bu......bu bye, yous schloppy peoplesh...*burp* 

Gendo+Shinji:.....

Keel: Bye bye everyone! And see you soon, for the next...NERV WARS!


End file.
